CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS….
The articles I write are based on subjects that deeply concern me, and those I find disturbing, because of my wounds, my state of mind, and my traumatic experience in last three years.
I can state this however now, I’ve learned recently that there is a lot to be thankful for. Liberation from toxic people makes one stronger and more confident person. When you find yourself in emotionally abusive relationships, you become something you have never considered yourself to be. You become an obedient servant to an individual who will certainly profess their passionate commitment to you.
You don’t see abuse coming when you enter into a toxic relationship because such people are skilled at their craft. They may or not be aware that what they do, what they say, and how they react, is, indeed, abusive. What I can tell you, is that they are like spiders spinning a web around you, that you eventually cannot untangle from.
I have seen people up-close talking, showing kindness and love and pretending to be genuinely caring but in reality they are the most, cunning, shrewd and hypocrites of our society. They want to make you feel powerless, and worthless. They want to be in control of everything.
Most women (I’m not being gender biased or feminist but research states that) end up falling for manipulative love, and live in toxic abusive relationships and get trapped inside the center of these toxic people’s thick web.
Many women stay in unhealthy relationships because of so many factors that’s impossible to even list them here but somehow I’m adamant to find answers to never ending questions and the question marks of our society. I was trapped too, like other women I too searched for escape routes on multiple occasions, but then again I couldn’t acknowledge to myself that I was strong enough to decide my fate and steer my life myself. Now, since I have feel in a new person, a stronger confident individual I feel that I have some lessons and new values to be thankful for.
After spending all that time with the toxicity around, it has given me a new level of compassion and empathy. I feel, from the depths of my very soul, for other people who are in abusive relationships, pushing me to offer support and help where I can. Had I not been in a similar situation, I would not have had the knowledge and forward thinking to understand the pain of those suffering.
It gets worse, if you’re living with a narcissist. They LOVE to be adored, and put on a pedestal. They need to feed off of the energy and positive radiation of their partners, bleeding them dry and causing them to see themselves only through their abuser’s eyes. When this happens, you learn to be, and stay, humble. You learn quickly, that your place is in the shadow of the narcissist, and that you are only in the relationship as an accessory, much like a scarf or a pair of shiny shoes. Your role in the relationship is to look pretty and help the other narc partner look well. If you are unable to fulfill your role, they will search for a new, more compliant accessory. Often, they will search for your replacement, even while they spout their love for you-just in case you wizen up and leave them. They cannot be left alone, as they live with abandonment fears. They know if they are alone, they don’t have accessories to make them look their best. Narcissists DON’T treasure anyone but themselves. The other lesson is that people aren’t accessories and should never be treated as such.
My Valuable Lessons:
Toxic Relationships are Abusive- Yes, no matter which way you look at it, manipulation, control and destructive-criticism is abuse. It is blatant disrespect and it is emotionally damaging. The problem with this conniving way of abuse, is that you may not recognize it for what it is. It is not always physical violence or trauma that is obvious. It is financial, emotional, spiritual, social and domestic harm. Often it can be seen as subtle by you and obvious by your peers, friends and family. You may lose connections with people who love you because they cannot be in the environment that you share with the narc.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee it- The day you finally admit to yourself that you were in a toxic and abusive relationship, it feels like a sharp sting, like a slap across your soul. Sadly, been there, done that! Upon confrontations, such hypocrites throw around odd accusations that are clearly projections of what they do behind our backs. Once, you’re sure this is not the life you want to live, that is the day you find your voice and freedom.
You become more aware than you can have ever been- I was caught up in a fog, for years. I was a miserable person who felt the need to continually cater to a man and family who showed me very little respect. The boundaries that I tried to set in the toxic relationship were crossed time and time again. Now that I am out of it, I LOVE boundaries and make them for myself daily. I no longer allow anyone to try and manipulate me or coerce me to do anything I am uncomfortable with. I am beyond grateful for this new super power. The days of dreaming of a happy life while I live in an oppressed one are over. If I can do that, so can YOU!
You know your truth- I will stand on a mountain top and scream the words, “I AM A SURVIVOR!” if it means I can help someone else see their own truth. I know what I endured. I know what has happened in my life, and I know what these cunning people around us are capable of doing. Now, I have found my truth. Many of us you must still be struggling, know that their side of the story may be very different than yours, mostly in order to maintain their sense of grandeur and bravado, but YOU KNOW the actual story. Let go.
You start seeing your value-After years of being told and shown that I am not worthy, and am not good enough, because I didn’t bring in gold and dowry up to the expectations of my in-laws (another whole different story). I am finally learning the opposite. I used to hear, “Do something with your cooking” and “why can’t you clean and iron flawlessly 100%?” and “why don’t you understand if a man physically abuses a woman, a woman should still not disclose this matter outside because it’s a private affair of husband and wife” just imagine the level of brutality and toxicity. After being trained that I am without value, hearing the words that eroded my sense of worth, over and over, I was under the impression that I had no place in this world. I began to doubt my own intelligence, my appearance, my energy, my happiness, and even my own self-awareness.
After being with my parents, siblings who truly love me, the darkness is finally starting to lighten up. In retrospect, I have these toxic people to thank, because without losing myself, I never would have gained the new me. You truly never understand how liberating it feels to find yourself, unless you have lost your value.
You can talk about my feelings, honestly-Gone are the days when people told me that “well, its normal to feel this way”, “this a woman to woman advise to accept things the way they are” “you have to take care of it, not us.” Today, when someone asks me what’s wrong, I can openly tell them how I am feeling without calculating their next move like a twisted chess game. I have, thankfully, learned the skill of being responsive instead of reactive, and that is all thanks to experiences with the toxic people is spent time with. My new way of expressing my emotions feels light as air, and it is because I know what it’s like to stay quiet for my own emotional sanity. I can now say what I mean and mean what I say, openly, and appreciate the feeling that much more.
I now understand we don’t need to see red flags the same again. I used to see them on a regular basis, but chose to ignore them. Those days are behind me. I now know that I deserve a healthy relationship. It may not be a pretty life in a mansion that makes the king look grand, but it is a happy, loving life. I know I deserve respect, courtesy, laughter, and undivided love. I now understand why I used to stare out the window of the house I shared with the toxic people, wishing I could have a place that I could call “home”…..
The bottom line, is that the abuse has taught me to stand tall and stay empowered. I now know where my breaking point is, and I know how to finally be free from under their scrutiny. Now every day is a new day to love, be loved and feel the comfort of my new chapter.